Four long years I spent falling down the rabbit hole like Alice in Wonderland and never knowing when or where the bottom was until I hit it.
Two words I hated hearing because in my mind I was above that and I was better than the meth that I smoked. I was a “functioning” addict. I held a great job with a global company, I slept, I ate and in my mind I was in charge, not the drugs. I told myself over and over that “I can quit anytime I want, but right now is just not time”. I made excuses for why I had to have more. I told myself it helps me get through my day and it makes me more productive.
Lies! Lies on top of more lies until I had woven a web that not even I could make sense of.
My life became consumed with getting high, every thought focused on when and where I could light up. Hours were spent on feeding my addiction and just trying to feel normal again. Consumed! Before I knew it I was consumed and my life was slowing caving in around me. My mother tells me that in my addiction, hugging me was like hugging a telephone pole. There were no emotions, just the shell of a daughter. Save me! I would pray at night to hit rock bottom and for some divine intervention to save me.
And then it did.
My dealer was arrested and locked up for life. I remember sitting in my dad’s garage, tears rolling down my face. Shaking and coming down from a four year high. I swore this must be what hell was like. All I could think about was how I couldn’t do this alone, so I swallowed my pride, divorced my ego and reached out to friend for help. He told me were going to a meeting, he saved my life. October 21st, 2014, until that moment I had never been one to ask for help or let anyone see me vulnerable, but in that meeting I became free. I shared my feelings, I accepted my newbie chip, and I cried for hours after in the parking lot.
I cried because I was finally free.
At last, after four years I could say I was clean, I could walk into a room and look people in the eye. I could say I was proud of myself. I loved the feeling that I got in those meetings so I went as often as I could. I found a sponsor and most importantly, I asked for help. I didn’t try to do this on my own. We were not meant to walk through life’s journeys solo. I took the good days with the bad knowing that whatever withdrawals I was going through was worth it to be clean. And living a clean life is beautiful. I now appreciate the beauty of each day and I take time to stop and watch at the sunrise and sunset. I am now living a life that I never thought was possible. Since getting clean over 15 months ago I have an amazing life. One that I now dedicate to helping others to live the best quality of life possible. I use my story as a source of inspiration to let others know that you can beat addiction.
It’s not easy, but it is possible if you believe in yourself. Ask for help, go to meetings and share your story with those around you who you know will be supportive. Celebrate your sobriety, be proud of every milestone. Commit to yourself and get rid of those in your life who won’t commit to you. You are more than your addiction. You are strong, and after four years of falling down the hole I climbed out. I took back the control in my life. So, for those out there suffering with addiction, you can always change your life, it’s never too late no matter how far down the hole you have fallen.
You can always climb out!